today

Dear Diary,
Today I looked in the mirror. I kept thinking about the time I went to Bible camp and we had to listen to three sermons a day and there was a robotic bat and the head counselor punched a kid in the face for blowing bubbles at his glasses. I remember that they surreptitiously filmed everyone and back then I was wearing a really ugly purple and white t-shirt, and I looked fattish and my eyebrows were weird and my face looked fat.
It's definitely been a while, and I'd like to say I had lots of plastic surgery and implants and veneers and cosmetic alterations and stuff like extensions and highlights done to my hair, but that's not exactly true.
I looked in the mirror, and I looked exactly the same as I always have.
It's funny to say that you never really change.

11/5/91

nostalgia is such an ugly word for something so beautiful.
There's never anything quite like missing someone, rather like being glad when you see them except now you know what will happen when they go away.
It's like a removal from fear.
Over eaters eat because they cannot bear to be hungry but it's not even that, it's that they are afraid that they will be hungry.
Anorexics thrive on the feeling of hunger.
I don't know where I fall on that scale. Probably somewhere in between, like everybody else in the world. But that's not really true. I'm afraid I'm going to be hungry.
I'm terribly, desperately afraid.
My teacher said I was worried about survival, and I thought, 'isn't everybody?'
I know what I want.
I love the feeling of not having things.
It's like gluttony. all these flaws just keep mounting up. Greed. Sloth. But in the end, they're just such small problems.
You just have to keep saying to yourself over and over again, I'm like everybody else, and perhaps, they are like me.